As many of you might know, the pope announced that he is stepping down from the position on February 28th. I've had my phone's ringtone set to its loudest level since I heard, sure that my call to get on a plane and head to the Vatican to become the new pope is just moments away.
No but seriously, I hate organized religion. That is probably what would make me perfect for the job. See, people who are deeply rooted in religion, deep down, feel like they are better than everyone who isn't. I just want to party with everyone.
Wouldn't you rather have a partying pope? If I'm the pope, my first speech will simply say: "Right now, no pants pope party, Protestants welcome!"
Plus, I look great in hats.
Seriously though (not really), we, as a collective that only has Melissa McCarthy to hang our town's namesake to, should do everything possible, nay, necessary, to get me into the robe. Our town would be put on the religious map.
Maybe instead of complaining about the town with no solution to fixing it, as the lionshare of you on this site do, you can finally throw some wheels in motion. And those wheels? The freight train in the sky that is going to take me straight to the Vatican!
But what would I do if I was pope? That is an awesome question! let me tell you!
-I drop the whole "Catholicism" angle. Religion as a series of factions with different beliefs sets is over. One religion. Everyone's welcome. We discriminate against nobody. Gay marriage is cool with this pope. I don't want to be the pope of just the Catholics, I want to be the pope of everyone that buys into the concept of living in a world where wars aren't started because of religion. Where love is love and however you want to show it, to whomever you feel comfortable showing it to, is a great thing.
My religion is also cool with other religions wanting to exist that don't believe in things like gay marriage and happiness for everyone. But we also want you to keep your bigoted opinions out of our collective party.
-I'll make soccer a more popular sport in the United States. Just kidding, I'm the pope, not God.
-As the pope, i'll make sure Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, et al, make it into the Hall of Fame. And as the pope, I'll make sure every sportswriter who wants to keep them out because that sportswriter thinks they are bigger than the game (Ken Rosenthal, Jon Heyman, many others) gets shoved into a cannon and shot towards space.
-In fact, come to think of it, we will establish a Pope Cannon. If you do awful things like murder, rape, enjoy Skrillex, and so on, you get shot out of the Pope Cannon. I'm a harsh leader. Harsh but fair.
Other people that will be put in the Pope Cannon:
Rush Limbaugh....if we can fit him. We might need a Pope Catapult to throw him.
Whoever decided skinny jeans was an appropriate look for anyone over the age of 16.
Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. He knows what he did.
-As the pope, I'd make eating at Subway some sort of punishable religious offense. And if you like Subway, then you should probably join a different religion.
-You know the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" commercials? Those commercials will now star me, the pope.
-I'm gonna get the Chinese to come up with a super cross-world train that can transport me everywhere I need to go. Popemobile? Try Pope Bullet Train.
-More worldwide holidays. As the pope, I'm very much aware that the reason so many people are unhappy in life is that they have to grind it out at their jobs, day after day after day after day. You work your fingers to the bone. You deal with customers who need to be shot out the Pope Cannon. Well guess what, your benevolent pope is here to help. Once a month, there will be an established "Happy Friday." No work. No school.
You can spend time with your family. Go party. Be with friends. Be merry. Have fun. Three day weekends are the best. I dream of the days of three day weekends and how exciting it was, and the anticipation of getting out of school on Thursday so my young pope self could get out of school and be free.
So three day weekends are back when I'm pope!
-Most importantly, as pope, I'm going to reestablish us as one world. Not a land divided. Not a nation divided. Not a world divided. I wouldn't make a great pope because I've seen so many things in life that I simply cannot fathom the idea of uniting people.
"We became the people we are because the people we were never realized the limitations of the people we could be." -Your new pope
I'd make a great pope because I don't know the limitations of what it is to be pope. I don't really respect organized religion. I don't respect the zealots who don't believe in things like evolution. But that's why religion needs me.
I don't follow the rules of religion. I don't understand what religion can't do. I only understand what religion doesn't do.
Let me be the pope, though. If nothing else, I'm willing to give it a shot. I don't touch little boys. I don't operate from a position of hate. Seems to me those are two pretty good requirements.
Most importantly though, I do believe that a world can exist without the hatred that exists nowadays. I believe that we can be united at some point during life because I've never been proven that this can't happen. Life is too short to have hatred in your heart. Whether the people who represent it will ever admit it, religion creates hate. Hate is the feeling or superiority towards others and projecting that in life.
Hate is the only tie that seems to bind us together as a people. I believe that we can be a collective. One people under a single sun. Everyday, that sun will rise and every evening that sun will set. In between, life is all about treating people better.
And if you don't treat people better, that's what the Pope Cannon is for.