So, you want to rent a movie at Redbox. First, it would behoove you to go online at home and reserve the movie you want first, before ever going to the Redbox kiosk. One and done. That away, the only thing you have to do when you actually get to the Redbox dispenser is swipe and wait. Swipe and wait, people, swipe and wait. Much easier. 

If you are still in the dark ages and don’t own a computer, or you just happen to be out and about and decide to pick up a movie on the way home, let’s be a little more considerate. See below. 

1) Are your hands clean? The Redboxes are a public-use item, which means who knows what cultures might be growing on the kiosk screen. I don’t want to use the screen after you’ve been eating Cheetos, or some big greasy hamburger, or mining for green gold, or trying to pick the apple you had for lunch out of your teeth.  

2) The places of business putting out these kiosks also should make antibacterial wipes available just like they do next to the grocery carts. Why? See above. 

3) Place your phone calls before you lean on the box, head under the screen, and start cruising for a movie. Do not call home three different times trying to get a popular consensus on what you should get, you flipping moron. More importantly, do not call someone and leave a message, then linger in front of the screen waiting for a callback. You’re a big boy and it’s only a dollar. Live dangerously. 

4) Please, for the love of all that’s holy, read the trailer information for movies some other time, like at home while you’re choosing your movies beforehand. I was once behind a man who read the synopsis of at least 16 different movies to his phone friend. I was just trying to return one movie before the 9 p.m. deadline. He ended up not renting anything. And I had to pay extra because of his obnoxiousness. My printout receipt showed 9:01 pm.       

5) Speaking of deadlines, try to avoid the 8:55 p.m. rush. It’s not pretty. Whoever lost the fight has to return the movie, and obviously the clothing choices reflect that. People, please remember that you will be seen returning the movie, oh Unshowered One. Wearing orange piggy flannel pajama bottoms and a red Wisconsin sweatshirt while rocking striped spa socks … I am judging you, and I am not alone. That schnit doesn’t fly. You’re making Walmartians look like fashion icons.  

6) If for some unusual reason I have to stand at the kiosk and choose instead of having reserved my movies at home like I normally would, don’t you dare stand too closely behind me. It does not make me go faster. It skeeves me out and gives me butterfingers, causing my fingers to slip. I feel nervous...

7) …and threatened. If I feel threatened, it could also force me to break out my professional ninja moves and karate chop your solar plexus. It’s very possible that I could miss and deliver a massive blow to your junk, making you miss YOUR 9 p.m. deadline. Oops. Just stay the hell back. You’ll get your turn. 

Easy enough, right? You would think. So many people, however, observe no Redbox etiquette whatsoever. I’m merely here to gently guide them. 

Enjoy your movie.