When I first found out Dolce & Gabbana was coming out with a baby perfume, I was certain it was a perfume to make a mom or dad smell like a baby. You know, kind of like a way to announce to the world that this person is the parent of an infant, a way to help them corner you so they can whip out pictures of their little darling.
“Funny, but it smells like a baby around here.”
“Oh, that must be me. Because I have a baby. Let me show you how perfect, special and above all other babies ever born my little bundle is.”
Of course, I was assuming the smell was the nice baby scent, like baby powder. Turns out I was correct in that assumption and it wasn’t the dirty diaper or regurgitated formula smell so many new parents wear that had been bottled. Which leads to the obvious question of why you would need a perfume for that and not simply use baby powder to get that baby powder smell.
When I realized it is actually a perfume to put ON a baby to make it smell like, well, a baby, I didn't believe it. I thought I must have stumbled across an Onion article. But sure enough, this is real. Why a baby needs perfume to smell like what it is confused me. Have there been a rash of instances when people looked at a squirming, wriggling, cooing bundle and asked, “What is it?”
Perhaps, I thought, I was having an '80s flashback. Remember when YUPPIES became parents so they could flaunt the ultimate in accessories, a baby? Complete with ridiculously overpriced stroller, matching designer diaper bag stuffed with Baby Mozart, multilingual infant flashcards on the theory of relativity and calculus, all for the 15 minutes a day they spent with their offspring as they took God’s greatest gift to the future of mankind to pre-pre-preschool for 6-week-olds destined for a seat on a Fortune 50 board?
Well, it isn't an Internet myth or faux-news story intended as satire. This is actually a perfume for babies, to make them smell like babies. And this is not the '80s. Sad, but I had really thought that kind of baby-as-accessory thing had been relegated to the same cultural trash bin as acid washed jeans, studied asymmetrical haircuts and linebacker sized shoulders.
I can’t decide if I want to laugh or recommend sterilization for any parent dumb enough to spritz their accessory, er baby, with this stuff. If someone you know is thinking this is a good idea, convene an intervention, take the $45 this stuff is retailing for and buy a bottle of good old fashioned baby powder. Take the remaining $41 and change and buy a couple packages of diapers to donate to a food pantry or women’s shelter. And strongly counsel them to consider not having any more children.